Today’s the day we finally get to delve into our new-and-improved book club format. Hopefully you guys already picked up your copy of “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” and are ready to jump in today. If not, it’s not too late. We’re covering the first half today and will be back in 3 weeks (Thursday, April 11th) to finish up.
Overall, I’ve been impressed with this book so far. I especially love the format. I found all of the examples and the cautions really fleshed out the ideas for me. Most importantly, after reading a chapter I felt prepared to try out the techniques.
So, without further ado, let’s jump in – shall we?
CHAPTER 1 – HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH THEIR FEELINGS
The first line of this chapter made me laugh and that, my friends, is a surefire way to get me on board. “I was a wonderful parent before I had children” – Amen to that!
Beyond the humor though, I really appreciated this chapter’s emphasis on how to help kids identify and accept their feelings. I’ve been a big fan of John Gottman’s theories on raising emotionally intelligent children and this chapter seemed to fall right in line with that school of thought.
Since I’m familiar with the idea of emotional coaching, not a lot in this chapter was new – yet it still drove home the importance of empathy to a new extent for me. Since reading it I’ve really been making an effort to empathize FIRST, and then move on to dealing with the issue, and I’ve seen a real change in the way my kids and I are relating. I can feel that their trust in me has grown and that they really believe I’m trying to understand what they’re saying – not just to fix it.
I really like what the authors say about the effects of empathy:
But let someone acknowledge my inner pain and give me a chance to talk… I begin to feel less upset, less confused, more able to cope with my feelings and my problems.
LIGHT BULB MOMENTS
- “It wasn’t just using a technique. I really meant it” – This, I think, is the key. I do a lot of reading on parenting so sometimes it seems like I’m just racking my brain for the technique that will fit the situation. Not trying to figure out what will solve the problem, and trying instead to tune into what my kids are feeling, has really made a difference for us. I’m finding that kids can sense when adults are being disingenuous and sincere empathy really goes a long way.
- “The language of empathy does not come naturally to us. It’s not part of our ‘mother tongue'” I didn’t realize this was true until the authors pointed it out. It seems like parents should naturally be empathetic. But I think it’s true that we don’t naturally speak that way in our everyday lives. Personally, I tend more towards the role of manager with my kids – especially when things are hectic or they’re ganging up on me.
- “Give them their wishes in fantasy” – This was one of the 4 ways the authors recommended helping kids with their feelings (all of which I loved) and it has been working SO well for us. I’d never thought of doing this before but I’ve been trying it a lot lately with C (4 years old) and 80 – 90% of the time it works. One of his favorite things to say these days is “I wish” – as in “I wish I could have more crackers”, “I wish I could play for 10 more minutes”, etc. (It’s been driving me crazy.) So lately I’ve been responding with fantasy – “I know! I wish we could play for the next 2 days straight!” It’s really unbelievable how well it’s been working – as soon as I acknowledge his feelings, he just moves on. The key, I’ve found, is definitely to be as over the top as possible.
- What did you guys think about the section on holding off on giving advice? I understand the goal (“Instead of giving advice, continue to accept and reflect on your child’s feelings”) but I still think there are situations where kids, especially very young kids who are still figuring out social interactions, could benefit from some guidance. Do you guys have any thoughts on how to strike the right balance with this?
- The authors suggested printing and hanging up “4 Ways to Help Children Deal with Their Feelings”. Did any of you actually do this?
- What do you think of the idea of asking your kids to draw their feelings? Have you tried it? Did the story of the boy with cerebral palsy suck you in like it did me? When I got to the part where he said “I love you Mommy” I completely teared up.
CHAPTER 2 – ENGAGING COOPERATION
I’m reluctant to admit it, but this chapter made me realize what a micro-manager I can be. Yes, young kids need direction. But in reading it I realized that I simply order mine around too much. We still have our family rules and routines but now I’m trying to be more respectful in asking them to help out instead of telling them to. Again in this chapter, I appreciate that the information is broken down into easy to remember steps, “What these five skills do… is create a climate of respect in which the spirit of cooperation can begin to grow”.
LIGHT BULB MOMENTS
- “Real listening is hard work. You have to concentrate if you’re not just going to give a pat response.”
- “When children are given information, they can usually figure out for themselves what needs to be done.” – It also just feels better to say, “There are dirty dishes on the table” instead of “You need to clear the table“.
- “Children are entitled to hear their parents’ honest feelings. By describing what we feel, we can be genuine without being hurtful.” – I find verbalizing when I’m getting frustrated “I’m starting to get frustrated that you guys aren’t listening to me“, not only gets the kids’ attention but also calms me down a bit.
- What do you think of the “Use one word” idea? I actually do this naturally sometimes but when I do I usually feel bossy and like I’m being short with the kids.
- What about the idea of writing notes – even to kids too young to read? Is this something you would get in the habit of doing? (Confession: when my mom saw that we were covering this book for Virtual Book Club she told me she loved it when she read it 20 years ago… Once I read this chapter I totally got why she used to leave me sticky notes everywhere, which I hated.)
- “When you want something done immediately, it’s a good idea to speak forcefully rather than to plead” – What do you guys think? I was a little taken aback by the somewhat casual references to raising your voice in this book. All of the positive parenting stuff I’ve encountered stresses the importance of keeping a calm voice when dealing with the kids. Do you think this book is just taking a realistic approach to the fact that we all loose our cool sometimes, or is it more that the book was written before the now popular question arose, “Is yelling the new spanking?”.
CHAPTER 3 – ALTERNATIVES TO PUNISHMENT
This one is a lot harder for me to fully grasp than the first two chapters. I do buy into the concept:
The problem with punishment was that it didin’t work, that it was a distraction, that instead of the child feeling sorry for what he has done and thinking about how he can make amends, he becomes preoccupied with revenge fantasies. In other words, by punishing a child we actually deprive him of the very important inner process of facing his own misbehavior.
I REALLY remember doing that as a kid. (Also, it totally makes me think of the “soap poising” scene in A Christmas Story.) But I think the no punishment concept may be harder to apply to young kids. I just keep coming up with situations in my mind that could require more than just a natural consequence. Hitting between siblings being #1.
LIGHT BULB MOMENTS
- “For a complex problem, a more complex skill is needed [5 steps to problem solving] – This method for guiding kids in problem solving was my favorite part of this chapter. Along with teaching kids how to deal with problems, it’s also wonderful for fostering ingenuity and creativity (something I’m passionate about for S and C).
- “It’s a lot easier to learn from the hard realities of people’s real reactions than from a person who decides to punish you ‘for your own good'” – Although I struggle a bit with the idea of absolutely no punishment, I do believe that logical consequences are usually the better way to go.
- “When we see something that angers us, it’s more helpful to express that anger than to locate the culprit and punish him” – I find this so helpful for dealing with situations between the kids when you don’t know who’s at fault.
- “Discipline means education. Discipline is essentially programmed guidance that helps people to develop internal self-control, self-direction, and efficiency.” - Exactly what I want for my kids.
- Did some of the alternatives to a time-out seem unrealistic to you? I’m specifically thinking of the example of the mother and child rehearsing going to the grocery store at home and writing a book together about the trip. It just seemed so time-intensive, especially with multiple young kids for whom these types of issues arise quite often.
- Again in this chapter some of the parent examples of the correct way to address things still came off as harsh to me. For example, “I’m furious! The baby was playing happily until you took her rattle away. I expect you to find some way to end her crying now!” Overall it didn’t turn me off of the book, but stuck out as a reminder of how long ago it was initially written.
Those are my thoughts on the first 3 chapters – now it’s your turn! I can’t wait to see what you all thought. Feel free to weigh in on any of the points above or to raise your own – there was lots of good stuff I had to leave out purely in the interest of brevity. Also, I’m curious – did you guys do as the authors suggested and read a chapter and then try out the concepts for a week or so before moving on? Or did you just read the book as you would any other?
Previous Virtual Book Club Selection: Buddhism for Parents of Young Children – Becoming a Mindful Parent
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