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POYEL: Examining Our Daily Routines

Something I’ve realized about Project Organize Your Entire Life lately, especially as I’ve been reading over your posts in the facebook group, is that it really needs to be about more then checklists and systems.  It needs to be about how we live and think – how we prioritize.  In fact, when I take the time to consider my true motivations behind that first infamous post, I realize that what I’m looking for isn’t perfection but a way to make space to be the parent I want to be.

With that in mind, I’m doing things a bit differently today.  I was planning on getting started on daily routines but wasn’t quite sure where to start.  Then I came across the beautiful post below from zenhabits entitled The Way of the Peaceful Parentand I knew it was the exact right place to begin.  Before we can start talking about an action plan for setting up the world’s best daily routine, I think we need to stop and consider our intentions.

For me, that means moving away from the idea of a “routine” and heading instead towards establishing a rhythm to our days.  I care less about making art every morning and taking a bath every night and more about having things like creative time, calm time, and connecting time everyday.  Check out the post below and we’ll talk a little more when you’re done…

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There is no such thing as stress-free parenting.

 

A reader requested that I share my thoughts on stress-free parenting, as the father of six kids. And while I have learned a lot about being a dad, and finding joy in parenthood, I also know that stress-free parenting is a myth.

 

Parents will always have stress: we not only have to deal with tantrums and scraped knees and refusing to eat anything you cook, but we worry about potential accidents, whether we are ruining our kids, whether our children will find happiness as adults and be able to provide for themselves and find love.

 

That said, I’ve learned that we can find peace.

 

Peace isn’t a place with no stress, but a place where you take the stress as it comes, in stride, and don’t let it rule you. You let it flow through you, and then smile, and breathe, and give your child a hug.

The Way

The Way is only learned by walking it. Here are the steps I recommend:

 

  • Greet your child each morning with a smile, a hug, a loving Good Morning! This is how we would all like to be greeted each day.
  • Teach your child to make her own breakfast. This starts for most children at around the age of 3 or 4. Teach them progressively to brush their teeth, bathe themselves, clean up their rooms, put away clothes, wash their dishes, make lunch, wash their own clothes, sweep and clean, etc.
  • Teaching these skills takes patience. Kids suck at them at first, so you have to show them about a hundred times, but let them try it, correct them, and let them make mistakes. They will gradually learn independence as you will gradually have less work to do caring for them.
  • Know that when you screw up as a parent, everything will be fine. Forgive yourself. Apologize. Learn from that screw up. In other words, model the behavior you’d like your child to learn whenever he screws up.
  • Older children can help younger children — it’s good for them to learn responsibility, it helps the younger children learn from the older ones, and it takes some of the stress off you.
  • Read to them often. It’s a wonderful way to bond, to educate, to explore imaginary worlds.
  • Build forts with them. Play hide and seek. Shoot each other with Nerf dart guns. Have tea together. Squeeze lemons and make lemonade. Play, often, as play is the essence of childhood. Don’t try to force them to stop playing.
  • When your child asks for your attention, grant it.
  • Parents need alone time, though. Set certain traditions so that you’ll have time to work on your own, or have mommy and daddy time in the evening, when your child can do things on her own.
  • When your child is upset, put yourself in his shoes. Don’t just judge the behavior (yes, crying and screaming isn’t ideal), but the needs behind the behavior. Does he need a hug, or attention, or maybe he’s just tired?
  • Model the behavior you want your child to learn. Don’t yell at the child because he was screaming. Don’t get angry at a child for losing his temper. Don’t get mad at a kid who wants to play video games all the time if you’re always on your laptop. Be calm, smile, be kind, go outdoors and be active.
  • When a stressful time arises (and it will), learn to deal with it with a smile. Make a joke, turn it into a game, laugh … you’ll teach your child not to take things so seriously, and that life is to be enjoyed. Breathe, walk away if you’ve lost your temper, and come back when you can smile.
  • Remember that your child is a gift. She won’t be a child for long, and so your time with her is fleeting. Every moment you can spend with her is a miracle, and you should savor it. Enjoy it to the fullest, and be grateful for that moment.
  • Let your child share your interests. Bake cookies together. Sew together. Exercise together. Read together. Work on a website together. Write a blog together.
  • Patiently teach your child the boundaries of behavior. There should be boundaries — what’s acceptable and what’s not. It’s not OK to do things that might harm yourself or others. We should treat each other with kindness and respect. Those aren’t things the child learns immediately, so have patience, but set the boundaries. Within those boundaries, allow lots of freedom.
  • Give your child some space. Parents too often overschedule their child’s life, with classes and sports and play dates and music and clubs and the like, but it’s a constant source of stress for both child and parent to keep this schedule going. Let the child go outside and play. Free time is necessary. You don’t always have to be by her side either — she needs alone time just as much as you do.
  • Exercise to cope with stress. A run in solitude is a lovely thing. Get a massage now and then.
  • It helps tremendously to be a parenting team — one parent can take over when the other gets stressed. When one parent starts to lose his temper, the other should be a calming force.
  • Mom and dad need a date night every week or so. Get a babysitter, or better yet, teach the older kids to babysit.
  • Sing and dance together.
  • Take every opportunity to teach kindness and love. It’s the best lesson.
  • Kiss your child goodnight. And give thanks for another amazing day with your beautiful, unique, crazy child.
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What I love about this post is that it starts and ends with an act of love.  Everything else is about establishing a flow to life (a routine in the broadest definition) that revolves around what will bring peace to the parent, to the child, and to the home.  I’m working on figuring out exactly what that looks like for our family.  Right now, for example, I’m sitting at my kitchen table writing while my 3 year old happily paints next to me and my 1 year old sleeps upstairs.  We had a great play date this morning and, so far, this day has been wonderful (and unprecedented).  How do I make more moments like this in all of our days, I wonder.

 

So here’s your homework, look over this list again and find what stands out to you most (as you can see I’ve already marked mine).  Then write them down and keep them with you as you move through your week.  Which of these things are you achieving?  Which need work?  I’ll be back soon and we’ll work on ways to get more of this stuff into our everydays.

 

P.S. If right now you’re thinking, “That’s all well and good but you kinda missed the whole point of being more zen when you went ahead and plagiarized his entire post… jerk.”  Let me put your mind at ease.  All of the zenhabits blog is uncopyrighted.  In fact, the author writes:

I release my copyright on this content.
From now on, there is no need to email me for permission. Use it however you want! Email it, share it, reprint it with or without credit. Change it around, put in a bunch of swear words and attribute them to me. It’s OK. :)

 

How can he afford to do this you wonder?  It doesn’t hurt that he has one of the top 25 blogs in the world.  Even in this unique circumstance, normally I would still put a teaser here and link over to the original post.  In this case though, I really wanted you to read it all and I wanted to highlight what was most salient to me – so I put it all here.

I’d highly recommend that you still stop over to zenhabitsand see what it’s all about for yourself.  What’s the likelihood, after all, that hundreds of thousands of readers are wrong about how great it is?

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P.S. Looking for more ways to simplify and connect with your family?


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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Tiffany March 23, 2012 at 5:38 am

Thank you! I needed this.. especially after the week we have been having. As my son heads towards 2, I find myself being less patient and understanding.. and altogether not the parent I really want to be. These are all great lessons, I especially like the teaching kindness and love. That is something I believe in most.

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Heather March 23, 2012 at 12:07 pm

It was funny, when I read your original post, I gasped, and was amazed…and then realized you were joking! As a parent, you really do realize that being organized can really simplify your life, and make you a better, calmer parent. As for the big picture, I have to say that I usually stop, drop, and play as often as I can! So…the clutter piles up, but I’m on a mission to make a dent today!

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Jeanne March 23, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I really appreciate this post and the piece that caught my attention was teaching boundaries. At 8, my daughter is going thru a phase of being argumentative and disrespectful. I’ve always worked subtly on being respectful but now I guess I’ll be explaining the boundaries of kindness and respect and how to behave to within them. I need the Zen for sure- disrespect is my hot point!
Luckily I have friends who will say something when she isn’t “being nice” and we can talk about her behavior after the fact. I think the hardest part is making sure (trusting at some point- hopefully) that she will take my lessons out into the world with her.

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Stacy March 23, 2012 at 5:51 pm

What a great post, the entire piece spoke to me, I think I’ll print it out and put it on the fridge for a daily reminder. Thanks for sharing Steph!

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Jen E @ mommablogsalot March 23, 2012 at 9:59 pm

I loved this – thanks for sharing! I loved the line about “They will gradually learn independence as you will gradually have less work to do caring for them.” So true, the more we teach them to do for themselves, the more peaceful our days eventually become. I need to start helping my son do more things for himself – like maybe pouring his own cereal? Hmmm….

I also really liked the idea of doing things with them that you like to do – sharing interests. I need to do this more often!

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Deb A-R March 23, 2012 at 10:29 pm

So lovely! Don’t you love hearing your own thoughts put into wonderful words for you? I do :) Thanks for sharing

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Erica @ Acire Adventures March 24, 2012 at 4:47 am

How very zen of him to release copyright! Ha. But anyways, this post (both original and ‘plagiarized’) was lovely. It’s so easy to want to plan and control all of life while happiness lies in flexibility. There is definitely a balance to be found, where things can get done more efficiently, but if they don’t, well who the heck cares anyways? Somehow, when you adopt that attitude, things seem to get done just as they need to.

Thanks for the inspiration!

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At Number 25 March 25, 2012 at 6:28 am

Oh this post really hit the nail on the head for me, I have been working along with you in “organising my entire life”. Bit by bit I’m getting there. I had been thinking about parenting before I had read this post. I was trying to get together a plan of how I could fit it all in. I wanted to spend more time with my kids but the washing needed to be done ect ect. This was just what I needed to read. I don’t want to fit them into my life, I want to enjoy life with them. I have printed this out and hung it in our bathroom. Funny place I suppose but it’s the only place I get some peace and I get a reminder a couple of times a day. Thanks Heaps for this post and the whole series.

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Parenting Tool box March 25, 2012 at 7:45 pm

great article! thanks i needed some of these reminders, sometimes life gets so hectic i forget my own iner wisdom.

i hope its ok by you, i shared this on my Facebook page “parenting toolbox” i created the page to be like a library of all the wonderful articles I fnd on the web.

ill be visitng you again, thanks again for the ideas and suggestions, think my daily routine is goign to be a whole lot smoother adding some of these.

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madilla March 29, 2012 at 9:48 pm

What a wonderful post!
As the weather is warming up we play more and more outside and my son truly enjoys it. I try to let him play alone and watch from a little distance so he can really explore our garden on his own.

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mary chamblee April 23, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Thank you for this post, i really needed it i am pregnant with my 5th and daily face struggles of patience and the ability to have enough attention to go around, most days i feel like a failure as a mom. I have three daughters age ranged from 3 to 8 and one son who is 2, i am only 25, and the day never seems long enough, i needed this article it was perfectly worded and came from the heart im saving it and printing it so whenever i feel like im about to break i have your encouraging words to keep going and that what i thought was a big ordeal isn’t that big at all

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Catie @ Catie's Corner May 10, 2012 at 11:31 pm

This is awesome!! Thanks for sharing. =)

~ Catie

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Yvette October 10, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Oh my gosh! Just as I was thinking to myself after reflecting on the day, “I am seriously starting to doubt my abilities” I found this post. My son and I have had a very stressful day and I have felt like a worthless piece of crappy mom. I finally sat down to do my own homework and I see that it’s 10:15 and I won’t be able to get much done before I have to get myself in bed. So I check out Pinterest for a second and lo and behold, I see this pin with those big bright words “….be the parent you want to be”. I swear, I believe God put that there for me to read. Thank you thank you thank you! It’s exactly what I needed to read.

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