Please remember, this is not MY advice, it’s just paraphrased/bulleted from the book. I would love it if other people did the same when they read parenting books!
ELIZABETH PANTLEY writes:
* Adjust your expectations to the level of emotional maturity possessed by your child. Most of our parenting frustrations stem from us having unrealistic expectations from them (attention span, understanding of eating customs, impulse control, etc)
* Discipline is a teaching process. Small children do not learn a new behavior from one incident or lesson. More like 30 days of repeating the lesson. Parents job is to teach. Think of it that way rather than the job being to punish.
* Your child misbehaving is not a reflection on you, your values, or your success as a parent. It is a reflection of an immature human being. Example: refusal to eat a vegetable does not mean you are failing as a parent. A green bean is just a green bean.
* Don’t try to teach a lesson when child is upset. “Time out”, “thinking time”, or “taking a break” is not to punish, but rather to give a break from a situation that was overwhelming or frustrating. When emotional control has been regained, a productive discussion can be had.
* It is ok for your child to be unhappy after complying with a request. For example you said “stop running” or “no cookie”. Allow them to express feelings about not being able to do what they want. You should still enforce the requests.
* Proactively help your child cooperate. See list of tricks below.
* Anger is a normal reaction to many of your child’s behaviors. Learn to deal with your anger in a healthy, appropriate way. Hiding it is not necessary. Suppressing it is not the answer. Sometimes when we get angry, we feel disappointed with our parenting because we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves regarding how easy parenting should be and how much patience we should have.
* Think forward to when your child is a teenager and start good habits with them now. Examples (for 2-3 year olds). After a meal, kid can bring dish to kitchen or sink. Every morning, kid can put pjs in the hamper or drawer. Playing outside, turning off tv when show is over, listening to authority figures. Rituals now pave the way for positive behaviors later.
- Deal with real problem first – is kid scared, overstimulated, hungry, etc?
- Bring toys/gadgets with you to entertain when expecting child to wait
- Offer a choice (do you want to leave through the front door or the side door?)
- Play a cooperation game (I can pick up all the red pieces before you pick up the blue ones!)
- Make it talk (Hey, I think your car seat is saying, I want Julian to put his tushy right here!)
- Engage the imagination (Hop to the car like a kangaroo)
- Sing a song (This is the way we wash our face, wash our face, wash our face)
- Tell a story in which someone is exhibiting positive behavior (A penguin goes to child care and plays with toys)
- Be silly (Put kid’s sock on his hand first and say “like this?”)
- 5-3-1 (Give fair warning minutes before event occurs. Give three warnings at 5, 3, and 1 minute. Requires consistency and your friends to help you stick to it)
- Eye to Eye discussions (make your request clearly and respectfully. ask one question of confirmation to make sure they understand)
- Use positive words (Avoid No, Don’t, and Stop – instead of “No ice cream right now”, say “You can have a banana right now”.)
- When/Then, Now/Later, When you/You may (You may play outside after you pick up these toys)
- Distraction (only use when level of fussing is low)
- Family Rules (We all brush our teeth before bed, We don’t hurt each other)
- Make it Brief, Make it Clear
- Think it, Say it, Mean it, Do it (If you say you are leaving the house, leave. No 5 more minutes on the phone/computer.)
- Predictable daily routines
- Happy face card chart
- Time Out (if child won’t stay, stay with him. Practice when child is not in a time-out. If misbehavior is repeated, repeat time out again. Over and over is fine.)
- Pick your battles (let little things slip through for the sake of everyone’s sanity. pretend you don’t see them)
- Give compliments, encouragement and kind words
- Build a foundation of trust, love and respect
Four years have passed since I took these notes on The No Cry Discipline Solutionand I still think all the lessons are valuable. I hope you do, too!
Thanks again to Whitney for sharing. For more good stuff, be sure to visit her and her partner-in-crime Heather over at Rookie Moms.
P.S. Looking for more ways to simplify and connect with your family?
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